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Mar 02
2010
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Koreans like to punish :)Posted by Grace in Untagged |
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"Sometime we don't forgive ourselves for things we've done, and so we give ourselves a lifetime of punishment for whatever we did or did not do. Sometimes we blame God for things that have happened. Ask God to show you if any of these things are true about you. Don't let unforgiveness limit what God wants to do in your life." Amen.
Being a 1.5 generation Korea, growing up, I did blame myself for all the things that I've done. Every since I was a child, my parents instilled in me the notion that if I do something wrong, I have to pay for it. Trust me, growing up in my house, you did not get away with many things. My mom was a housewife, she was always home and she was like a hawk. She knew EVERYTHING that went on under our roof. And when my sister or I "messed up", she knew it, and we would pay for it.
I remember countless of times when I had to raise my arms in the air as a form of punishment. My parents were HARSH. I even remember being locked out of my house, and had to sleep in the patio because I did something bad (I woke up the next day with 20 mosquito bites).
Growing up in this environment, I always believed that if I did something bad, that I would have to pay for it. In college, when I would procrastinate and do badly on an essay, instead of begging my professors to give me a couple more hours, I always turned my assignments in, as they were.
Anyways, the point is, I feel like the only way I can atone for my sins is through the act of punishing myself and not letting myself feel worthy of praise (because I am a bad person).
However, this prayer gave me a different perspective about my view about punishment. What if my unforgiveness is really limiting what God intends to do with my life?
Instead of feeling like I'm undeserving of God's grace and even my own forgiveness, I should pray and ask God if these things are true about me. If not, I should be able to confidently ask God to work in my life. I mean, countless of times, at church when my pastor would say, "ask God to forgive you," I always thought, "I am so undeserving" and I would never participate in that prayer. However, I see that now I need to ask God to show me the truth about myself, and be able to receive God's forgiveness as well as my own.
