Korean American Christian Blog

So I am here 2,000 something miles away when my kids are neatly tucked away in the arms of family.  I want it to become habitual, where they are left in the care of my family, to experience, traditional Korean Customs, but also, to be completely enveloped in experiencing God through church or Sunday School (because there isn't here), and to make lasting friends (because there weren't that many to attach them to), and create memories with loved ones along the way... It is something that I think God wanted for me my household... to reflect in hindsight and plan for the future, to be mindful of  the massive, ridiculously busy school year before and after that takes most of my "personal" time from me and be silent and reflect on things to come in its entirety.  In the short 6 weeks since summer began, it is only now that I am starting to see what things I value most in my awkward, wayward life. 

Being a woman, I should not feel defeated solely by the cause of being a woman living in a male dominant society.  All my ideas of traditional korean customs, as far as contemplating the role of a female figure in changing social times, brings me more cause to say that I am blessed to even have the ability to choose the life I want.  That, and the familial role that I am accustomed to obtaining, from the point where I am the eldest of three siblings, and even though the road that I am met with was not the road I wished to travel as a child... I am completely content with all that God has blessed me with thus far.  I am only ashamed that I had not realized sooner, what my calling is.   And even now, after 20 years of not knowing what I am called to do, there still is a bit of hesitation because my dreams have not yet been attained fully. 

Things I love the most, that is, the study of music and all that this embodies, the exercise of musical expression through the voice of a cello, (piano, violin, etc etc), and through the interaction with adults and children who want to express the same kind of musical gratitude in one form or another, is what makes me completely happy inside.  The moment when one note is fixated on perfection, and the aura of exuberant bliss, from the crack of a smile that forms into laughter, at the marvel of completing a momentous victory over a piece of music that boggled the mind of a child or young adult is truly truly magical.  Yet, at times, I feel inadequate, not enough time for my own kids, and focusing on myself rather, than them.  

I wonder if this is the dilemma most working moms feel.  The inadequacy when it comes to choosing between work and raising a family...  Then at times, I feel that there is definitely something that is out there, that I just can't put my finger on quite yet.  That is, my dreams, although it is quite gaudy and imperfect, is but one portion of me I really want to work at completing.  I feel a million years old, and then at times not, and through my first business experience as an entrepreneur without skill or experience heading face first into a massive space of awkward beginnings, have held onto God with my nails dug in deep and passion for listening, speaking, and loving all the more intimately with a creator who created the world and all that is in it....  

Maybe all this talk is reminiscent of knowing, I really do miss my kids....  

My spunky 4 year old son, who at times, can be alarmingly busy bodied. Jumping, climbing, kicking balls, roll in the mud, kinda kid.  I have never in my whole life met another child as crazy but loving as my son Matthew. Maybe its because he is my child, and I see all that he is....  Or the quiet little moments when he brings a book and falls in my lap and says, ok, mommy, lets read a book.   Its these little moments such as these that draw my longing for him, even more.... Its good I'll be seeing him soon anyways.

 Phillip, my ambitious, good looking son (they are both adorable in my eyes), who can be overly sensitive at times, extremely smart and talented, first born son. He is loving, towards his friends & family and without fail, he will finish everything he sets his mind to.  He can be too involved with video games so we hide the cords to play wii or gamecube, but for a time also cut off cable altogether to screen TV from being the only thing they (Phillip and Matthew) attach themselves to. Its only now I know why my parents cut the cord off of our TV in the 90s. Too much TV rots the brain. hahaha

So for summers, they are visiting the grandparents, (and auntie/uncle), and making summer time, the greatest time for love and reflection in their short childhood... 

I don't know how some parents deal with their kids as far as discipline goes.  My viewpoint has always been, don't spare the rod, they need correction and to correct a misconduct that is done in error can be corrected in many different ways.  

Now its more, talk to your child about the things they do, incorporate a plan instead of the traditional "gonna get the belt" talk.  I think spanking is only right when it is necessary. stealing, lying, cursing, etc etc. There was a time when all you had to do was look at your mom or dad, or grandmother, and when they gave you a "look", your heart starts beating faster, your butthole shrivels up, and your poop goes up and not down.  That is called, discipline. When you know what you've done that is wrong, is definitely wrong, and you're gonna get it for sure, all by the "look" that you get.  But its not fear that you fear. Its the disappointment that you get, from the lot of them. That look.  

I suppose every person's view for disciplining a child is different.  Truth be told, kids need order, repetition, and consistency. things I need to improve on as a mom.  Lord knows I need more help, more help to understand, more help to be open and willing to meet half way. Man, I am terrified of teen years. Lord help me I will give myself a heart attack. =)

 The pages from mommyhood are expansive. The Oh no, moments, or man, oh man, moments, or just quiet, or loud ones... Kids definitely change you and the world that you live in.  Its no longer all about you, but about their happiness.  

For now, I must try to understand what they need, what they want, what things will help them grow, and to nurture everything with the love of Christ. 

Please pray that I will not lose my head. I only hope to keep up with the maintenance regularly... =D

 Good nite ya'll. See ya'll real soon ya hear~

 I am turning into a hick. =D

Me