Korean American Christian Blog

2 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. - Romans 8:22-25

This hope that Paul speaks of is not a hope that we arbitrarily decide is there. Rather, this is a hope that the Holy Spirit pours into us after regeneration. 

I have found often the case, however, that despite regeneration, I still have the capacity to hope for what is seen. I hope for the achievable and the known because I am afraid. The hope that I claim to have during those times, I attribute readily to God because it is only in those situations where I can manipulate the outcome, thus MAKING God a God of my needs. It sounds very ideal, but that is NOT our true God. Yes, our God knows our needs, but it is not always the needs that we think we need, since our wants and needs rarely show glory to God, but instead to ourselves. And praise God for this. 

The truth is, I've been feeling really anxious lately. My emotions have been controlling me, and they are so quick to react and quick to flee. I'm left drained at the end of the day, having thought I lost an easy battle. I've cried desperate prayers for God to fill me with the joy and the peace that I know only He can give. But I'm reminded by an ultimate longing that has been fulfilled and will continue to be filled; a groaning that has been responded to by the Holy Spirit, and that which is constantly appeasing our loss everyday.

And knowing that God HAS moved and will keep moving puts me in a position to wait patiently. This patience, I know, could only come because of the hope that has been embedded in me. I just constantly need to be in prayer for God to give me the strength to claim this reality. 

Tim Keller from Redeemer Church says, 

"When we do work,

We need to look to ourselves

(see what our gifts are),

We need to look out to others

"Sometime we don't forgive ourselves for things we've done, and so we give ourselves a lifetime of punishment for whatever we did or did not do. Sometimes we blame God for things that have happened. Ask God to show you if any of these things are true about you. Don't let unforgiveness limit what God wants to do in your life." Amen.

Being a 1.5 generation Korea, growing up, I did blame myself for all the things that I've done.  Every since I was a child, my parents instilled in me the notion that if I do something wrong, I have to pay for it.  Trust me, growing up in my house, you did not get away with many things. My mom was a housewife, she was always home and she was like a hawk.  She knew EVERYTHING that went on under our roof.  And when my sister or I "messed up", she knew it, and we would pay for it.  

I remember countless of times when I had to raise my arms in the air as a form of punishment. My parents were HARSH. I even remember being locked out of my house, and had to sleep in the patio because I did something bad (I woke up the next day with 20 mosquito bites).  

Growing up in this environment, I always believed that if I did something bad, that I would have to pay for it.  In college, when I would procrastinate and do badly on an essay, instead of begging my professors to give me a couple more hours, I always turned my assignments in, as they were.  

Anyways, the point is, I feel like the only way I can atone for my sins is through the act of punishing myself and not letting myself feel worthy of praise (because I am a bad person).  

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. - Genesis 2:24-25

I've been reading this book called  The Momentary Marriage by John Piper. In the second chapter, he talks about how shame entered into the world and how it arises in two ways:

1. Others can, at any moment point out the flaws in us to save face for oneself. We are born selfish.

2. Shame demonstrates itself because of our self-awareness that we are flawed.

Both stem from the reality that the covenant between Adam and Eve (as noted in verse 23, "become one flesh") was solid. When God created Adam and Eve, they were naked and not ashamed because they had an unbroken connection with their Creator. Nothing at that point was imperfect, let alone their own physical bodies. 

I have been sick for over a month. Kind of the reason why I haven't been able to write for a while.  Earlier this month I had the stomach flu. And right as I am recovering from that, I get a cold.  It's been two weeks and I am still recovering from it. I wake up in the mornings, still, congested and a weird pounding headache you have when you have a cold. 

 I've been thinking a lot about health. 

Especially with the health scare of 2009 (better known as swine flu).  This past winter season was a scary one. 

I think we all heard tragic stories of healthy men, women, pregnant mothers, and young children dying after being infected by the H1N1 virus.  It was plastered all over the news, we knew of people who  got it and lived through it, or died from it.

It really made me think...How healthy am I? 

Matthew 14:25-32
25During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. 27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." 28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." 29"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" 31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" 32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

I love this passage so much because there are about 1,098,471,082 different ways it speaks to each individual: for some it's when Peter takes the step of faith when he steps out of the boat, for others it's when Jesus saves Peter immediately right as he's sinking, for me, (in this season of my life at least) it's the moment when Peter loses his faith after he has already taken the first step out of the boat.

Within the last few weeks, God told me to do some things. Three things in particular. The first one was to stay in REV Ministry next year. The second one was to let loose the grip I have on my current very comfortable job and move onto something else. The third was to not be responsive to a really neat guy I met and got to know over the course of time at work.

My initial response to all three were "Lord, are you sure this is what you want me to do? Gosh...are you really sure? ...You are? ...Okay....fine. I'll do it," somewhat like how Peter's initial response was "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come out of the water...." That's how it always begins for all of us. We hear God give us pretty dang specific instructions in our lives, and for some people, saying "Yes" may be the hard part. For others, the hardest part follows immediately after.

As Peter stepped out on the water, he started walking toward Jesus. Can you imagine? A mere man like you and me walking on water... In the same sense, I got out of my "boat" as I quit my job (with no other job lined up), deleted the guy's number from my phone (and from my heart), and fully embraced the fact that I would be serving at REV again next year. But even before I could take my first few steps, every ounce of faith I knew existed in my heart, mind and soul dispersed into thin air.

"Are you sure you want me to leave this incredibly convenient and comfortable job, Lord?"

"Are you sure you don't even want me to be "just friends" with this guy?"

"Are you sure you want me to stay another year with REV Ministry? What about my social life? My love life? My career?

I was getting hit left and right by the torrents of the wind and the currents of the waves. And trust me, I wanted more than anything to jump back into that boat, where it would be safe and comfortable.

I thought about staying at the colonoscopy office.

I thought about texting the guy back to say "Yeah, let's go hang out over some coffee."

I thought about ditching REV and leaving it up to the other leaders who would remain.

But God placed the story of Peter on my heart...especially the part where Peter took that initial step out of the boat and onto the water, but lost all faith immediately and started sinking even though Jesus was freak'n right in front of him. Oh ye of little faith... Oh me of little faith.

But God is good and He redeems. Just as he saved Peter immediately, I know God will save me immediately. I feel like I'm sinking but I know God's in the water with me. And I'm gonna be okay.

I enjoy hanging out with selfish people.

They are people that are so self-absorbed, so self-centric that
you just cringe and wonder how they have become to be the way they are.

Selfish people, naturally, think about themselves.
They are not evil.

They just do not have the capacities to look beyond 
their own self.
If there is food on the table with two chairs,
they are too fixated on the food to even know that there is one more empty chair.
If it is not empty, the person on that next chair is in his periphery.
If it is empty, the person most likely does not know it even exists.

There is only one objective of this person, and that is,
he will stare and salivate at the food, and consume it.
Most of the time, he is not aware of his surroundings, 
or even care that there was competition for the food.
He will just take it, and think of anything else 
only after he has been satisfied of which he had been fixated on.

Even then, 
his eyes are wandering soon after,
and will grab onto its next prey.

These kinds of people do not bring intense joy, or grand fondness out of you.
In fact, they bring undesirable feelings of discomfort and sometimes annoyance.

They are like a two week old pot of soup that you forgot to wash.
Once you take a whiff of it, you are simply disgusted. 
You would only care to wash it, if you did not want to throw it away.
However, if you had a choice between two pots, you would take another.

You may ask why I would love to hang out with selfish people.
You may ask why I would want to take a whiff at a pot of soup gone bad.
You may wonder at this point if there is a hint of sarcasm in the statement.

I love hanging out with selfish people because
at the moment of recognition that they are selfish,
I see that very nature in myself.

There must be a law in nature that states that one must give and one must take away.
CS Lewis once stated that something that takes up space,
is in essence, taking away space from something else (as in an analogy with 
competing humans).
If one gives, one takes.
If somethings goes ten yards, there is something else that is subtracted ten yards.

For example, 
If two people are in an automobile,
and the weather has reached 90 degrees,
one person may be hot, while the other might be cold.
At this point, 
there is a decision to be made whether the air conditioner should be turned up or turned down.
If it is turned up,
it will cause one to be uncomfortable, while accommodating the other.
If it is turned down,
the same effects will occur.

There is always discomfort when the other person takes, and you are the giver.
There is always comfort when the other person gives in, and you are the taker.

This brings us back to the point of selfishness.
When I realize that the other person is selfish,
I am acknowledging that there is discomfort in me
by the very fact that the other person is acting in a way that is consuming to himself.
A label they have a name for - self-absorbed.
This very discomfort occurs when I am not naturally giving in,
but am forced to give in, or forced to be the giver.

Selfishness is someone who does not want to give, and feels discomfort when he is forced to,
usually at the hands of another selfish person.

A selfless person is one who does not mind giving in, and feels comfort when he is brought to give to another.

It is highly likely that when I feel discomfort (or even disgust) at the sight of a selfish person,
there are two of them in the same room.

When you're hungry and broke, you're going to be tempted to steal a loaf of bread. When you're deprived of love, you're going to be tempted to fulfill that need/lust in an unhealthy way. When you're exhausted, you're going to be tempted to sleep in or perhaps even skip class/work altogether.

Temptations creep up upon us when we are unguarded, vulnerable and oblivious. When we are tempted, have you noticed it's always something we have a difficult time saying "no" to? It's always been that way, and it all logically makes sense...the enemy knows our areas of weak-will and it attacks it full force. And this scares the crap out of me because we can easily commit our sin (no matter how big or petty) without realizing it was even a sin until it's too late. Doesn't that scare you?

There are ways to protect ourselves though. In Nehemiah 4, the Israelites were trying to build the walls, but the surrounding enemies didn't like the idea and they were doing all they could to stop them. But in Nehemiah 4:16,17, (16 From that day on, half of my men did the work, while the other half were equipped with spears, shields, bows and armor. The officers posted themselves behind all the people of Judah 17 who were building the wall. Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other,) the people worked with the tools to build the wall in one hand and weapons and shields to protect themselves in the other hand. And that's all we can do really...continue on with our lives, but stay on guard.

I think it's important to know and understand our areas of weakness first. And be on guard as the Israelites were while they were rebuilding the wall. That way, when we're in our moment of weakness, we'll know where the enemy will attack, and we'll have our sword and armor up...ready to fight it off and defend ourselves.

Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. - Matthew 10:34

It seems both ironic and disheartening that Jesus, The Prince of Peace, would make this statement. Why would the God who claims Love claim such a promise? 

I met a curious young teen girl while on missions. She asked me if it was true that if she loved her family more than Jesus, she was not worthy of Jesus. I replied, yes. But my reasoning and explanation of it was unsatisfying. The only response I could give her was, "That's what it says in the Bible, so it is true."

How naive I was to explain it to her in such a way. My reasoning was circular. Jesus' reasoning was expansive, because it included who He was and what He was going to do for the whole world. 

The reality is that family, as close as it may seem, is like water compared to the thickness of blood that Jesus' life binds us with. It should take precedence over even family and relationships.

I've had the opportunity to see the initial transformations of a person into a new life as a Christian. It's amazing how it has often been through this person and others alike that tangible truth can be revealed to me, often with exposing my own sin. 

The other week, him along with others members of our church were sharing our thoughts on 2 Corinthians 1. The first section talks about comforting others as we have been comforted. This friend of mine brought up a situation he was involved in earlier that week, where in the heat of some wedding chaos, he influenced the groom to un-invite one of the guests because of something he had said/done. Soon after, a guilt weighed heavily on his heart. He prayed (something that he would not have done prior to becoming a Christian), and he read through the Gospels. He came across the parable of the unforgiving servant, where a master forgave his servant for not paying him back. Mercy was given in this situation so that the servant would experience it and thus be able to be merciful to others. 

A thought crossed my mind and so I asked my friend if whether he would have understood his sin without having read the Bible. He responded, "probably not." 

It sheds light on Apostle Paul bringing the Gospel to the Gentiles. God had given them a conscience, but without the law, they could not acquire concrete discernment that came from the law to convict them to Christ.  

Now, I am convicted. I, too, have graciously been given a conscience, but it's a conscience that is often polluted with self-doubt, insecurity, worldliness and my own desires. I seek wisdom, but I don't actively pursue hearing God speak to me through His words. I am defenseless despite strategy without proper gear in a time of war. 

And so, I have made this Lent period as a time to read through the New Testament. I am careful, however, to make sure that I understand that by reading through the Word, I am unable to make myself more holy than others, but rather I do it because I have already been called to be holy, thus I obtain the desires to be rooted in God's word. It's work in a sense that I am putting my faith into action, but it is NOT work in that I am working for my salvation.