Korean American Christian Blog

A thousand generations

I was reading through Deut. this morning, and had a great awakening, something which had provoked curiosity, and then at last, a great revelation.

"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." Deut. 7: 9

 also read verses 12-15. ...

Reflection: Love is...

Finding forgiveness even when you don't deserve it, when there are no words to say something important, it speaks volumes, when a simple smile, turns into a hearty laugh behind the innocence of a young child's embrace, promises left broken to friends that were not meant to be wronged. But behind these mysteries, lies God's unchanging hand. The power and might of one that is completely in charge is gentle and soft to the touch...
Satan is described by Christ as one who "steals, kills and destroys". He really did try this past month. To steal my family from me, To kill my hope of having hope, and to destroy any kind of love that I have for anything. He tried. Boggles my mind to think that such a being could even fathom to do such a loathesome act. So I feel sorry for him. Because if he simply just listened, reacted as he was supposed to, none of the BAD things would be upon him. 
I feel that God is truly showing me just how much he loves me. Not that he hasn't before, but it feels so subtle.... First by entrusting all of my mom's health issues, although they are not through completely, God is a healer, and restorer of all things broken. To entrust your faith in the likes of man, is nothing. Satan tried to use this to persuade me, that if only we trust this doctor, everything would be fine, it really wasn't all that. All of Dr. Gonzalez's work as a doctor, his life that lead him to meeting with us, and exercising the ability to perform surgery on my mom, was indeed God's doing. All his tedious work as a neurosurgeon, his love of learning, and exploring and correcting, and restoring families, is totally God given. Then, to work in a miracle in itself, when the impossible seemed so vast a distance from here to timbucktoo, it is God's revealing grace that everything works for a higher purpose than our own puny thoughts.
The God of the world, had in mind for us, moments to sway us, even since the start of time, ways to sway things that will be so fantastic, and out of the ordinary, we are completely unable to fathom its greatness and vibrancy because of our humanistic nature. But Jesus said, I have overcome the world, so that you might live. So it is. I live by his love for me. I live and love, and have a heart for loving because he has created in me, the ability to see another as they perceive themselves. But regardless of the output, we are called to living such arduous, incompatible lives because we can not comply to the worldly standards enforced by the world alone. Just because we are human does not make it right to live to live. We should strive to live, a life dedicated to mirroring the footsteps of Christ, so that in our daily provisions as sons of man, we can at least devote that portion of ourselves in willingness, and aptitude though we fall miserably short.

The love of family, the love of friends, the love of neighbors, and the love of strangers.  All encircle the fact that it remains, you still receive something at the end of the circle. That is, it benefits to your gain, that this outwardly gesture you position yourself to, clings to a hope, of finding love, of acceptance, and profit to your advantage. (this was an excerpt from a sermon recently...) 

Even though I do not know what is to come, I am still so grateful thatGod hears me. My prayer usually starts this way: Father forgive me for all the wrongs that I have placed between you and I. There is no reason to justify all of it, but simply, I beg that Jesus is enough to cleanse me of my sins. so I repent to you, with everything I hold inside of me, forgive me Father, for my sins, and remember them not any longer.  so I thank you, for hearing me, in this moment and for its future.

Thank you for everything. For my kids, my husband, & my family who love me, my friends who also show me that they love me,  for giving me a vision to walk to, and a passion for understanding what I lack most, which is everything...

I love you O lord my strength, with all that is truly within me. May I bless you all the time and I pray that praise never part my lips...

In Jesus Precious Name

Amen. 

"praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy.The Lord is my strength&my shield;my heart trusts in him,& I am helped.My heart leaps for joy & I will give thanks to him in song.The Lord is the strength of his people,a fortress of salvation for his annointed one.Save your people & bless your inheritance;be their shepherd and carry them forever. Ps 28: 6-9

Quite simply, it is the greatest feeling in the whole world. When your hope and fear are at odds with each other, and everything is left in the hands of our Father, you are still left with a little bit of doubt. Maybe that's Satan playing mindgames with us. The bible says that he has come to "steal, kill and destroy". So, then, would my faith in our father be in jeopardy? I believe not, but still, you must confess that as well. We are doomed of living a life of inadequacy. A life full of sin, but even then, God will forgive you if you ask. You must earnestly seek His forgiveness, but, still, there is still redemption if only you seek to find it.

 I am not sure why I do this blogging. It just helps me personally to express all that I hold in my tiny brain, but more than anything, to help me see the road stretched behind me and see, that God is indeed good in all that he does, but also, to share with you all, a little bit of hope.

 So for now, I thank you, for understanding me and my wacky ways, but simply soaking everything in, and letting it ferment with Christ's love. 

To another day ahead, may Christ be all that you need, desire, and hope for. 

i was bored and went a little overboard. enjoy!

Lyrical Afterthoughts by sue

Phase I

Things I want to leave behind:
For jaehan and matty:

Warm, cheerful, Kind and pure,
Innocent, curious, intelligent, secure,
Laughable, Lovable, Funny, Naive,
Never ever try to deceive,
Time flies, time passes, within a blink,
Surprising how quickly they grow or shrink

Many times I have regret not loving you more,
I'm imperfect and flawed, unlike Grandma who's more,
Remember one thing and understand,
The world is not ours, but the moment at hand.

Carry your cross, and breathe your salvation,
Faith as these passed on from generation,
Approve what is, Christ crucified , Accepted,
Choose Eternal life or else damnation convicted,
No bias to thieves,  or predators galore,
Provokes a Promise of paradise to these implored,

What is sin that we might forget
The price of freedom & not regret
In every hue of damnation impressed,
Jesus paid the ransom unmet,

By beatings, curses, accusations,
Spitting, shouting, and trifling convictions,
For what purpose to suffer all of this great loss?
All  of this for the lamb who once was lost.

My Jesus, My Savior, My God, My Friend,
All to thee I freely contend,
thy bruises and wounds I can not replace,
Freely I accept your gift of grace,

I am nothing, a fool of fools, to the world's demise,
Wisdom I lack, I've no wealth, or prize,
I have but one thing which can be shown,
My heart, my soul, are all I own,

Be to it Lord, that you might see,
The aroma of prayers, lifted to thee,
May my sin remain on the tree of trees
Christ hung there for me at Calvary

That I might taste, hear, and know you more,
Lord you love me completely, much more than I know,
My life once filled with hate and gripe.
You've created in me a brand new life,
Once was old is now quite young,
Errors once made magically undone,

May my life be an example of thy love for me,
That I might come to know you perfectly,
Behind each thought and act you see,
May it be a reflection of an esteemed son or daughter you expect of me.

Holy Spirit, I ask this of you,
Remember not the sins of my youth,
Guard my mouth, my heart, my mind,
Convict me O Lord, help me to find,
Your Calling above all else defined.

Holy Spirit lead me Lord,
To declare Christ with a great big sword,
To be bold, and be ready to fight,
Without hesitation and full of might,

Victory's won, through life renewed,
There is no one else like you,
On earth, or moon, or universe compare,
All encompassing, all enticing, all loving and fair,

Whose ways are mightier than a thousand men bold,
History ignite tall tales uphold,
Praises to our God and King,
Lord Jesus, you reign over everything.

Amen.

too much words can overcrowd the true intention of what lays on your heart.

Be sincere in everything and willing to take criticism when offered. 

 Trouble is, there are many words my tiny brain allows me to find, and a million gazillion ways to show and express my heart and all thats in it.

 There are times when words fail, and music truly does speak. Someone once said that. 

 Music eludes the mind, invigorates the senses. someone else said that too.

i was told to write a blog digesting the event:

 It was Saturday, and Today is Wednesday. It seems pretty far now. In the time between, God has been blessing me with love and just been speaking. Performing at Creative Juice was different than any other performance i did.  One of the reason being that my church girls were in the crowd, which almost brought me to break in the middle of the poem.  That poem was a journey to write, and still learning all that i have written is a journey in progress. So reading it, kind of creates accountability.  I am blessed that my brothers and sisters recieved my expereience and testimony; all the blessings i have are from God, and to share the joy is like no other.

 More than the event, or the competition, the core of Creative Juice was the eulogies to our God. (Sigh) One thing i remember was Mr. Hwang's struggle to give God his whole self, and admitted to his compromise to the performative emphasis in the moment.  To me, this acclaimed that God is in the house, and nobody can deny it or evade it.  I was blessed to see this honest desire to proclaim God as divine creator, in the midst of our carnial proclivity to want to proclaim ourselves.  Seeing this manifested made this event far more valuable than an open mic or talent show.  It was a venue where God was present, and the artists had to estimate his definite glory--This is God, it is He.

 All the creative inspirations gave me hope for our community, which is ever so increasing with church drop out percentages.  If we can intricately and patiently creative such musical/lyrical masterpieces, it made me believe in our potential to creatively minister to lost sheep.  After this event my heart turned.  God spoke. And i feel this new/old presence in me, alongside a prayer for my generation. I am thankful for Creative Juice because it led me to a highway that leads to his Kingdom--it clearly defined what my poetry should be used for: to be a testimony and minister.  I do not wish to portray some evangelical archetype, but simply want to convey my simple desire to share my joy in Christ with others. 

 Before, this Christian jargon was mundane and unlively.  I wavered between two worlds: Art and Christianity.  Which was is more powerful? Which one can save more lives?  I realized that this question was hampering me from using all of me to glorify Christ.  Thank you Mr. Hwang for manifesting my personal struggles in yours on stage. 

So I am here 2,000 something miles away when my kids are neatly tucked away in the arms of family.  I want it to become habitual, where they are left in the care of my family, to experience, traditional Korean Customs, but also, to be completely enveloped in experiencing God through church or Sunday School (because there isn't here), and to make lasting friends (because there weren't that many to attach them to), and create memories with loved ones along the way... It is something that I think God wanted for me my household... to reflect in hindsight and plan for the future, to be mindful of  the massive, ridiculously busy school year before and after that takes most of my "personal" time from me and be silent and reflect on things to come in its entirety.  In the short 6 weeks since summer began, it is only now that I am starting to see what things I value most in my awkward, wayward life. 

Being a woman, I should not feel defeated solely by the cause of being a woman living in a male dominant society.  All my ideas of traditional korean customs, as far as contemplating the role of a female figure in changing social times, brings me more cause to say that I am blessed to even have the ability to choose the life I want.  That, and the familial role that I am accustomed to obtaining, from the point where I am the eldest of three siblings, and even though the road that I am met with was not the road I wished to travel as a child... I am completely content with all that God has blessed me with thus far.  I am only ashamed that I had not realized sooner, what my calling is.   And even now, after 20 years of not knowing what I am called to do, there still is a bit of hesitation because my dreams have not yet been attained fully. 

Things I love the most, that is, the study of music and all that this embodies, the exercise of musical expression through the voice of a cello, (piano, violin, etc etc), and through the interaction with adults and children who want to express the same kind of musical gratitude in one form or another, is what makes me completely happy inside.  The moment when one note is fixated on perfection, and the aura of exuberant bliss, from the crack of a smile that forms into laughter, at the marvel of completing a momentous victory over a piece of music that boggled the mind of a child or young adult is truly truly magical.  Yet, at times, I feel inadequate, not enough time for my own kids, and focusing on myself rather, than them.  

I wonder if this is the dilemma most working moms feel.  The inadequacy when it comes to choosing between work and raising a family...  Then at times, I feel that there is definitely something that is out there, that I just can't put my finger on quite yet.  That is, my dreams, although it is quite gaudy and imperfect, is but one portion of me I really want to work at completing.  I feel a million years old, and then at times not, and through my first business experience as an entrepreneur without skill or experience heading face first into a massive space of awkward beginnings, have held onto God with my nails dug in deep and passion for listening, speaking, and loving all the more intimately with a creator who created the world and all that is in it....  

Art, a domain in which creators meet and intermingle their inventions. Art, an inhabitant infested with chaos and brillance that immediately disects one's prior thought and investigates. Art, a way to tell history, or a story. Art, my domain in which i met myself on 1am Friday mornings. Art, my inhabitant where i could intrust my secrets, bury em all beneath my carpet so oma and apa won't see me. Art, my most intimate prayers to God of who i didn't want to be. Art: i don't know.

There is a fine line i tred on when it comes to being a artist/poet/painter. First, i never am fully comfortable identifying with these jargons of "i am a poet;" i more so like to say, "i like poetry."  So instead of "i am a artist," i like to say, "i like art." (i do not wish to imply that those who do identify with their artistic role is misrepresenting themselves.  note: this is my personal discomfort, and a discomfort i wish to analyze for the sake of understanding what it means for me to be an artist). I hesitate to claim these labels in fear that i will rely on these labels.

"I am a poet."  Okay, so i write poetry, therefore i am a poet (technically).  But for me, that phrase connotes some kind of impermeance, a finality in my being.  Thus, let me say it again. "I Am A Poet." Perhaps the capital emphasizes the way in which i fear to fall into this identification.  Ive struggled with loving poetry, to an extent it become an idol. 

Art as an idol.

There is a passage in the bible where it shows how  one little verse can show you that life is meant to be lived for the purpose of glorifying God, just as Christ had lived on his time here on earth.

Love, as directed by our forefathers before us, proclaimed by the lips of Christ, is the ultimate command that God wants of us to fully understand, comprehend, exercise, and embody.  It is the only way of the cross and all that it signifies and ultimately, loving another person more than you love yourself, that is the act of surrendering all that is inside of you and all that you are-  is the greatest example in form and perfect definition of what Christians must comply to in order  to become complete in Christ. 

How then does one truly love another, as Christ loves you?  It is not in the physical, emotional, monetary, or relational means that the world describes love to be.  All of this is superficial. What matters is God's love for us. That even before time began, he poured out his love to us, through the redeeming grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Proof in writing? One place is found here: 1 John chapters 3 and 4 testify this plainly.  That God is love, and because God loved us so much, he sent Jesus to die in place of our sins, so that we may stand righteous before him, and through the love placed through Jesus and his example of love for us, even death on a tree, we are able to commune with God and know God in a personal and real way.  How great and marvelous are thy works O God Almighty!!!

We are such a blessed nation, to have the many blessings and freedoms that many countries would die for, and yet, in our lavishness, our minds are fooled by the devils scheme to manipulate how we should act, think, and reply to daily living situations in our abrupt and unimportant life.  What matters not is what we do, but how we do it.  If you are called to love in a capacity to show kindness, or compassion, or encouragement, we should do it.  To give like you've never given, to share like you've never shared, to enjoy the hardships and turmoils because all those moments of heartache and dross are but temporary! What matters more is that your treasure is stored in heaven, and there will be an eternity of rejoicing and enjoyment afterward!  (Our treasure is found in the worshiping of our Lord, praising, loving, and exalting Him! )