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Letting go...
I am a fool. I have always been foolish in the way that I think. I have these really timid moments when I feel like I can't let go of control because of my own stubbornness, and lack of faith....more in my child's ability to be safe. I don't know how my parents were able to trust me to go anywhere when I was young... But as a mom, letting my son go on a camping trip with his school classmates, was THE hardest thing I have done. I am so scared of how things might end up if I let him go. My sister always tells me I have to lighten up, and trust that my son will be in good hands, especially because of the teacher being with them at all times, etc etc... but really, I'm just really really really paranoid. So this is how it all went down. My son Phillip is now 10, is in the 4th grade. He brings home this sheet of paper, mind you that I didn't really pay attention that he said stuff about this trip until sunday night... and he'd been asking, begging, pleading..."mom, my class is going on a trip..." My first response is always, "if its in the daytime, yes. you can go" But knowing this is a sleepover kinda thing... I said, NOOOOOOOO *but ofcourse i didn't say that to him, it was just thought it in my head....* So, Sunday night Phillip tells me, "mom, I need you to sign this paper, for permission ..." Me: let's talk to Dad about it. so we spoke openly. At first my husband and I said, No. For the next 3 days, Phillip cried. bags under eyes and all... Phillip: but mom, all my friends are going, there will be chaperones, we're learning about the bay, etc etc me: I don't care Phillip, there are bad people out there in the world, you never know what might happen.... phillip cries himself to sleep. The next day, same thing. same scenario. phillip cries himself to sleep. Finally the day before returning the paper, I give in. Ok, Phillip, you can go... HE WAS CRAZY HAPPY. Maybe its moments like these that make me realize, my parents felt the same way. They didn't take as long though. After spending 100.00 at walmart, getting his first camping gear, food, clothes, bug repellent, shoes, water shoes, etc, etc, he was ready to go camping. It was a bittersweet moment. I was finally letting him grow out of his shell, and be ... a kid. Its not that I don't trust him, well, ok there is a small part of me that just says, I don't know if he's really ready for life in the case of an emergency... but, to have faith and let him go was really hard for me. Maybe this is all a part of me growing up, and owning it. Being a parent is really really hard sometimes. But knowing that through your faith in your child, you can really learn just how much you've grown, and in retrospect... feel how God sees us, in a parental role of being our father as well. Though we fail so many times, he is always there to help us up, and rally behind us, cheering for us, encouraging us, disciplining us, and loving us radically, eternally for the joy of being called a proud parent. This and many more candid moments to share.... Here is another moment I cherish: Matthew *now 5* telling Phillip *now 10* Phillip, can you play wii with me? I'll be your best friend... Phillip: Matthew, I'm always your best friend Matthew: Phillip play wiiiiiii Phillip: Fine... give me a controller Me: shed a tear... Mind you, most of the time they are arguing, running like mad dogs in my house. (I'm not home much, but when I am, that is what I see...)But these candid small moments, make me realize, I am missing out on so much... *guilt, severe guilt trip* No one ever told me that parenting would be so hard a job. I mean, really. Your parents don't tell you these things. They usually say, u just wait until you have your own child...have a kid just like you....But I'll tell you...You learn little by little through experiences you secure as you mold your children as they grow. I think I'm getting that... Most of my friends are married, have a few kids, but for the few out there not yet married... my biggest advice to you: ENJOY YOUR LIFE BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED =) When you secure yourself a hubby, a family, it all gets a little complicated. sometimes good, sometimes hard, sometimes easy... But your single life is something to be treasured. To have bubbly dreams about your future, about who you'll marry, and how your life might turn out... I think its an awesome thing to have secured that. Being able to just be young, and live a life with so great a conviction... So I say, Don't get married early. Find yourself, your likes, your dislikes. Tease yourself with the possibilities of finding out who you really are. And above all, make sure you can say to yourself... have no regrets with any choice you hold in your life. Be carefree and responsible and have fun in the moment. =) Some people may freak out and say, no no no, but, you never know what kinds of surprises lie in wait for you around the corner! Be faithful in your dedications for your future in how you are to support yourself as an adult, but, more than anything, enjoy your life as a student, and all that it employs. It will be difficult resurrect these radical moments once you cross the line that says: You're officially an adult. You know what that line is... For me, its the ownership of saying. Wow, I am an ahjumma. i really dont like that word! cant it be something less harsh? I freaked out when someone called me, lady. I felt old!!! =( For more candid moments to come..... Me.
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