Korean American Christian Blog

It's been awhile since I last updated this blog. My apologies for that.

I wanted to give a quick update on where I am with my job search. As some of you may know, I've been job searching for almost six months now. I have submitted probably over 25 applications to a variety of places and jobs. Unfortunately, I received call backs from only two of them, one in which was made possible by someone in the inside. 

God has been amazing in this journey. He has taught me humility in the workplace even though I have yet to start working. I feel that this prolonged period of waiting for a job has allowed me to be challenged and grow in Him. 

As of now, I am in the process of waiting to hear back from a company I had not even applied for, but that which reached out to me. I hope that by their proactive approach, they were not disappointed in what I can contribute in light of their team. More important than what they consider the right fit, I know that God ultimately has a greater plan for everyone in their job placement. I want to be intuned to that. 

Here's a video that I came across this morning by Pastor John Piper. Very sobering:

I am unemployed.

Although that is the reality of my situation, I'm trying not to let it define my identity as a person, because how often are we identified and made worthy by the positions we hold?

It's been fairly easy to not let myself get caught up in the job search and the waiting period, but there have been moments of distress and discouragement, where I have been uncertain of whether what I am searching for is in the direction that God has intended for me. Thankfully, however, these times have been both rare and brief in their happenings.

A reminder of the hope I can wait for in the unseen of our future glory with Christ has allowed me to implement that same mentality in my everyday life. I was reminded yesterday that it took the Israelites 40 years to get to their destination, a length that far exceeded its normal travel time. But the people had no choice but to walk in faith as they moved and followed wherever the pillar of cloud/fire directed them.

And that's the challenge I have for myself: to be ready to move and TO move in the direction that is most pleasing and glorifying to God in His perfect plan.

I say these words with little effort, and I KNOW that this cannot be made possible without the Holy Spirit living and breathing within me. And that reality alone gives me the fighting drive to carry on each day... unemployed.

:)

My understanding of God's wrath was and is still is limited. When I consider the demonstration of God's wrath, I think tangible consequences of sin; I think instant.

But who knew that expanding my knowledge of God's wrath would point me to the greatness of His mercy.

How can a God of Love prove Himself to be so great without demonstrating first His wrath on His fallen people? 

I'm beginning to understand the answer to that question more and more as I continue to sin everyday and realize the depravity of my heart prior to being reborn in Christ. The realization of how of loss I was puts in my heart a greater sense of urgency to fight everyday for LIFE; not that I have not obtained it already, but as Apostle Paul says in Philippians:

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. - Philippians 2:12-13

2 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. - Romans 8:22-25

This hope that Paul speaks of is not a hope that we arbitrarily decide is there. Rather, this is a hope that the Holy Spirit pours into us after regeneration. 

I have found often the case, however, that despite regeneration, I still have the capacity to hope for what is seen. I hope for the achievable and the known because I am afraid. The hope that I claim to have during those times, I attribute readily to God because it is only in those situations where I can manipulate the outcome, thus MAKING God a God of my needs. It sounds very ideal, but that is NOT our true God. Yes, our God knows our needs, but it is not always the needs that we think we need, since our wants and needs rarely show glory to God, but instead to ourselves. And praise God for this. 

The truth is, I've been feeling really anxious lately. My emotions have been controlling me, and they are so quick to react and quick to flee. I'm left drained at the end of the day, having thought I lost an easy battle. I've cried desperate prayers for God to fill me with the joy and the peace that I know only He can give. But I'm reminded by an ultimate longing that has been fulfilled and will continue to be filled; a groaning that has been responded to by the Holy Spirit, and that which is constantly appeasing our loss everyday.

And knowing that God HAS moved and will keep moving puts me in a position to wait patiently. This patience, I know, could only come because of the hope that has been embedded in me. I just constantly need to be in prayer for God to give me the strength to claim this reality. 

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. - Genesis 2:24-25

I've been reading this book called  The Momentary Marriage by John Piper. In the second chapter, he talks about how shame entered into the world and how it arises in two ways:

1. Others can, at any moment point out the flaws in us to save face for oneself. We are born selfish.

2. Shame demonstrates itself because of our self-awareness that we are flawed.

Both stem from the reality that the covenant between Adam and Eve (as noted in verse 23, "become one flesh") was solid. When God created Adam and Eve, they were naked and not ashamed because they had an unbroken connection with their Creator. Nothing at that point was imperfect, let alone their own physical bodies. 

Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. - Matthew 10:34

It seems both ironic and disheartening that Jesus, The Prince of Peace, would make this statement. Why would the God who claims Love claim such a promise? 

I met a curious young teen girl while on missions. She asked me if it was true that if she loved her family more than Jesus, she was not worthy of Jesus. I replied, yes. But my reasoning and explanation of it was unsatisfying. The only response I could give her was, "That's what it says in the Bible, so it is true."

How naive I was to explain it to her in such a way. My reasoning was circular. Jesus' reasoning was expansive, because it included who He was and what He was going to do for the whole world. 

The reality is that family, as close as it may seem, is like water compared to the thickness of blood that Jesus' life binds us with. It should take precedence over even family and relationships.

I've had the opportunity to see the initial transformations of a person into a new life as a Christian. It's amazing how it has often been through this person and others alike that tangible truth can be revealed to me, often with exposing my own sin. 

The other week, him along with others members of our church were sharing our thoughts on 2 Corinthians 1. The first section talks about comforting others as we have been comforted. This friend of mine brought up a situation he was involved in earlier that week, where in the heat of some wedding chaos, he influenced the groom to un-invite one of the guests because of something he had said/done. Soon after, a guilt weighed heavily on his heart. He prayed (something that he would not have done prior to becoming a Christian), and he read through the Gospels. He came across the parable of the unforgiving servant, where a master forgave his servant for not paying him back. Mercy was given in this situation so that the servant would experience it and thus be able to be merciful to others. 

A thought crossed my mind and so I asked my friend if whether he would have understood his sin without having read the Bible. He responded, "probably not." 

It sheds light on Apostle Paul bringing the Gospel to the Gentiles. God had given them a conscience, but without the law, they could not acquire concrete discernment that came from the law to convict them to Christ.  

Now, I am convicted. I, too, have graciously been given a conscience, but it's a conscience that is often polluted with self-doubt, insecurity, worldliness and my own desires. I seek wisdom, but I don't actively pursue hearing God speak to me through His words. I am defenseless despite strategy without proper gear in a time of war. 

And so, I have made this Lent period as a time to read through the New Testament. I am careful, however, to make sure that I understand that by reading through the Word, I am unable to make myself more holy than others, but rather I do it because I have already been called to be holy, thus I obtain the desires to be rooted in God's word. It's work in a sense that I am putting my faith into action, but it is NOT work in that I am working for my salvation. 

The Lord is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
The Lord is good to all,
and his mercy is over all that he has made. - Psalm 145:8-9

These verses has brought immense humility and exposed a lot of shamefulness in my life, particular in the past month or so.

For one, when I sin the same sin I vow never to commit again, and when I try to cover my sins up with perishable things such as make-shift joy and self-worth, I always end up stripped, exposed of my shamefulness. I am made prostrate by His kindness, and I repent because His love is too good to avoid--no matter how hard I try to refuse it.

Second, when I am angry or hoard bitterness against another, these verses remind me of the likeness of Christ that I have in me, and that I am capable of sharing such characteristics through the Holy Spirit. Certain circumstances in the heat of the moment make it extremely difficult to believe that I have any peace and joy within me, but I am comforted to know that there is hope in Him who demonstrated first His love. 

God, thank you for showing me what LOVE looks like, that I may be overflowed with it, so that those around me may see it. Let me not be ashamed. With the same confidence that You give us in approaching Your throne, I pray that I may boldly proclaim Christ in all places in my life. 

Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am.” - John 8:58

Christians today would never associate themselves with the Jews in this situation. When Jesus made this claim, the Jews picked up stones to kill him. What Jesus was saying to them was outrageous. They believed in who Abraham was and the promises God had made through him. But Jesus here was saying that before the father of many, He existed. Jesus was claiming deity. He was and is God and the Lord of lords.

I couldn't help but reflect on my life right now and my struggle with finding a job, maintaining a relationship with my boyfriend, friends, and family, and serving in church. I thought about the order in which I held each area of my life of importance, and naturally I placed God at top. And yet I am tired. I often feel empty and lost. I lack discernment and a preparation in my heart for the struggles to come.

And then I heard this very sobering message by Pastor Tim Chaddick of Reality LA Church about Jesus as the Eternal Son. I realized this: I had been compartmentalizing all the areas in my life. It is not enough to put Christ as number one. No, He needs to be Lord over ALL my life. For God, it does not compute that He is the first but that there are second and third places. To Him, that is saying that we still have other gods in our lives.

Although we don't become as hostile like the Jews were, we may walk away sad like the rich young ruler who could not give up his wealth. 

I have too be clear with this, though. Jesus is not saying to give up all materialistic possessions, your education, your family.  Again, the poverty gospel is no gospel at all. Rather this...

So I started to pick up job searching slowly again. I have to be honest. I was a bit discouraged by the job market the past two weeks (as I've mentioned in my last post). I'm thankful that there are jobs still out there, but the amount of candidates applying to a single job has increased tremendously. I heard a statistic on the radio a few weeks back, saying that there used to be two candidates per open position, whereas now there are hundred or even thousands. Crazy...

How could I ever compete? It demonstrates that no matter how qualified I may think that I am, it seriously is and has always been up to God. 

I was listening to a sermon by Pastor Tim Chaddick of Reality LA Church. He was saying how so often we pray for God's will and purpose to be revealed to us in our vocational or personal decisions, but how rarely we forget our end goal of glorifying God. 

I'm beginning to see the importance of being rooted in God's word. I thought that spending equal time with God as I do job searching would be sufficient enough for me to remain focused, but then I recall what the Word says:

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.