Korean American Christian Blog

i was bored and went a little overboard. enjoy!

Lyrical Afterthoughts by sue

Phase I

Things I want to leave behind:
For jaehan and matty:

Warm, cheerful, Kind and pure,
Innocent, curious, intelligent, secure,
Laughable, Lovable, Funny, Naive,
Never ever try to deceive,
Time flies, time passes, within a blink,
Surprising how quickly they grow or shrink

Many times I have regret not loving you more,
I'm imperfect and flawed, unlike Grandma who's more,
Remember one thing and understand,
The world is not ours, but the moment at hand.

Carry your cross, and breathe your salvation,
Faith as these passed on from generation,
Approve what is, Christ crucified , Accepted,
Choose Eternal life or else damnation convicted,
No bias to thieves,  or predators galore,
Provokes a Promise of paradise to these implored,

What is sin that we might forget
The price of freedom & not regret
In every hue of damnation impressed,
Jesus paid the ransom unmet,

By beatings, curses, accusations,
Spitting, shouting, and trifling convictions,
For what purpose to suffer all of this great loss?
All  of this for the lamb who once was lost.

My Jesus, My Savior, My God, My Friend,
All to thee I freely contend,
thy bruises and wounds I can not replace,
Freely I accept your gift of grace,

I am nothing, a fool of fools, to the world's demise,
Wisdom I lack, I've no wealth, or prize,
I have but one thing which can be shown,
My heart, my soul, are all I own,

Be to it Lord, that you might see,
The aroma of prayers, lifted to thee,
May my sin remain on the tree of trees
Christ hung there for me at Calvary

That I might taste, hear, and know you more,
Lord you love me completely, much more than I know,
My life once filled with hate and gripe.
You've created in me a brand new life,
Once was old is now quite young,
Errors once made magically undone,

May my life be an example of thy love for me,
That I might come to know you perfectly,
Behind each thought and act you see,
May it be a reflection of an esteemed son or daughter you expect of me.

Holy Spirit, I ask this of you,
Remember not the sins of my youth,
Guard my mouth, my heart, my mind,
Convict me O Lord, help me to find,
Your Calling above all else defined.

Holy Spirit lead me Lord,
To declare Christ with a great big sword,
To be bold, and be ready to fight,
Without hesitation and full of might,

Victory's won, through life renewed,
There is no one else like you,
On earth, or moon, or universe compare,
All encompassing, all enticing, all loving and fair,

Whose ways are mightier than a thousand men bold,
History ignite tall tales uphold,
Praises to our God and King,
Lord Jesus, you reign over everything.

Amen.

too much words can overcrowd the true intention of what lays on your heart.

Be sincere in everything and willing to take criticism when offered. 

 Trouble is, there are many words my tiny brain allows me to find, and a million gazillion ways to show and express my heart and all thats in it.

 There are times when words fail, and music truly does speak. Someone once said that. 

 Music eludes the mind, invigorates the senses. someone else said that too.

i was told to write a blog digesting the event:

 It was Saturday, and Today is Wednesday. It seems pretty far now. In the time between, God has been blessing me with love and just been speaking. Performing at Creative Juice was different than any other performance i did.  One of the reason being that my church girls were in the crowd, which almost brought me to break in the middle of the poem.  That poem was a journey to write, and still learning all that i have written is a journey in progress. So reading it, kind of creates accountability.  I am blessed that my brothers and sisters recieved my expereience and testimony; all the blessings i have are from God, and to share the joy is like no other.

 More than the event, or the competition, the core of Creative Juice was the eulogies to our God. (Sigh) One thing i remember was Mr. Hwang's struggle to give God his whole self, and admitted to his compromise to the performative emphasis in the moment.  To me, this acclaimed that God is in the house, and nobody can deny it or evade it.  I was blessed to see this honest desire to proclaim God as divine creator, in the midst of our carnial proclivity to want to proclaim ourselves.  Seeing this manifested made this event far more valuable than an open mic or talent show.  It was a venue where God was present, and the artists had to estimate his definite glory--This is God, it is He.

 All the creative inspirations gave me hope for our community, which is ever so increasing with church drop out percentages.  If we can intricately and patiently creative such musical/lyrical masterpieces, it made me believe in our potential to creatively minister to lost sheep.  After this event my heart turned.  God spoke. And i feel this new/old presence in me, alongside a prayer for my generation. I am thankful for Creative Juice because it led me to a highway that leads to his Kingdom--it clearly defined what my poetry should be used for: to be a testimony and minister.  I do not wish to portray some evangelical archetype, but simply want to convey my simple desire to share my joy in Christ with others. 

 Before, this Christian jargon was mundane and unlively.  I wavered between two worlds: Art and Christianity.  Which was is more powerful? Which one can save more lives?  I realized that this question was hampering me from using all of me to glorify Christ.  Thank you Mr. Hwang for manifesting my personal struggles in yours on stage. 

So I am here 2,000 something miles away when my kids are neatly tucked away in the arms of family.  I want it to become habitual, where they are left in the care of my family, to experience, traditional Korean Customs, but also, to be completely enveloped in experiencing God through church or Sunday School (because there isn't here), and to make lasting friends (because there weren't that many to attach them to), and create memories with loved ones along the way... It is something that I think God wanted for me my household... to reflect in hindsight and plan for the future, to be mindful of  the massive, ridiculously busy school year before and after that takes most of my "personal" time from me and be silent and reflect on things to come in its entirety.  In the short 6 weeks since summer began, it is only now that I am starting to see what things I value most in my awkward, wayward life. 

Being a woman, I should not feel defeated solely by the cause of being a woman living in a male dominant society.  All my ideas of traditional korean customs, as far as contemplating the role of a female figure in changing social times, brings me more cause to say that I am blessed to even have the ability to choose the life I want.  That, and the familial role that I am accustomed to obtaining, from the point where I am the eldest of three siblings, and even though the road that I am met with was not the road I wished to travel as a child... I am completely content with all that God has blessed me with thus far.  I am only ashamed that I had not realized sooner, what my calling is.   And even now, after 20 years of not knowing what I am called to do, there still is a bit of hesitation because my dreams have not yet been attained fully. 

Things I love the most, that is, the study of music and all that this embodies, the exercise of musical expression through the voice of a cello, (piano, violin, etc etc), and through the interaction with adults and children who want to express the same kind of musical gratitude in one form or another, is what makes me completely happy inside.  The moment when one note is fixated on perfection, and the aura of exuberant bliss, from the crack of a smile that forms into laughter, at the marvel of completing a momentous victory over a piece of music that boggled the mind of a child or young adult is truly truly magical.  Yet, at times, I feel inadequate, not enough time for my own kids, and focusing on myself rather, than them.  

I wonder if this is the dilemma most working moms feel.  The inadequacy when it comes to choosing between work and raising a family...  Then at times, I feel that there is definitely something that is out there, that I just can't put my finger on quite yet.  That is, my dreams, although it is quite gaudy and imperfect, is but one portion of me I really want to work at completing.  I feel a million years old, and then at times not, and through my first business experience as an entrepreneur without skill or experience heading face first into a massive space of awkward beginnings, have held onto God with my nails dug in deep and passion for listening, speaking, and loving all the more intimately with a creator who created the world and all that is in it....  

Art, a domain in which creators meet and intermingle their inventions. Art, an inhabitant infested with chaos and brillance that immediately disects one's prior thought and investigates. Art, a way to tell history, or a story. Art, my domain in which i met myself on 1am Friday mornings. Art, my inhabitant where i could intrust my secrets, bury em all beneath my carpet so oma and apa won't see me. Art, my most intimate prayers to God of who i didn't want to be. Art: i don't know.

There is a fine line i tred on when it comes to being a artist/poet/painter. First, i never am fully comfortable identifying with these jargons of "i am a poet;" i more so like to say, "i like poetry."  So instead of "i am a artist," i like to say, "i like art." (i do not wish to imply that those who do identify with their artistic role is misrepresenting themselves.  note: this is my personal discomfort, and a discomfort i wish to analyze for the sake of understanding what it means for me to be an artist). I hesitate to claim these labels in fear that i will rely on these labels.

"I am a poet."  Okay, so i write poetry, therefore i am a poet (technically).  But for me, that phrase connotes some kind of impermeance, a finality in my being.  Thus, let me say it again. "I Am A Poet." Perhaps the capital emphasizes the way in which i fear to fall into this identification.  Ive struggled with loving poetry, to an extent it become an idol. 

Art as an idol.

God is a God of Hope. God is a God of Strength.

Without Hope, there is no strength, no will, or ambition, nor is there any aptitude of attaining greater things physical, emotional, physiological, mental, or spiritual.  Hope is the furnace in which all fires burn, where the element of possibility can stagnate and illuminate the mind, and the senses.  However it is not that hope alone is sufficient~ by all means!  God is the first and last, and everything. Without God, everything is nothing, and nothing is everything only because He is Who He is, and We know that it is only because that we know by his revelation to us, on account of our faith imparted due to our forefathers before us.  Without faith, there is no substance as great as the convictions we carry forward in our living.

 There are many things I am concerned with in my puny life. There are many things I want to do, desire to do, but because of my obligations as a woman, wife, mother, employee, there are things that always seem to be blocking my ambition to live up to the expectation of me as a follower of Christ.  Maybe the 30's are supposed to be like this... 

Here is more input for you out there. I am not like I was as a child. I was so abruptly on fire for stagnant things of this earth. Of position, of Pride, of Excellence, that it took many many lows, to bring me to see what I am truly missing in life. Jesus to take hold of me in my entirety.

I suppose as a woman, there are core essentials God expects of us women. Besides the total obedience, quiet, slow to speak, and mindful woman, diligent in all her doings... It is our culture my brain says that I should be the opposite. To be brash, outspoken, wild, and worldly.... I am brainwashed to thinking it is our society's doing that I think this way. But it is not. Satan does everything in his power to persuade us from doing good. thinking good, acting good...

It has been a really long time since I have last written anything.  Where to start?  in the last year, God has turned my life upside down *for the better*.

Just a few words, and thoughts on paper for today...

The Lord is merciful to those who call on his name, that in every circumstance which passes, belong to the Lord, what is rightfully his, and we should without cause, declare to God give all glory which stagnates beyond all measure. Amen~ May your day be declared His from Dawn to Dusk. In Jesus Name, Amen...

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It's been awhile since I last updated this blog. My apologies for that.

I wanted to give a quick update on where I am with my job search. As some of you may know, I've been job searching for almost six months now. I have submitted probably over 25 applications to a variety of places and jobs. Unfortunately, I received call backs from only two of them, one in which was made possible by someone in the inside. 

God has been amazing in this journey. He has taught me humility in the workplace even though I have yet to start working. I feel that this prolonged period of waiting for a job has allowed me to be challenged and grow in Him. 

As of now, I am in the process of waiting to hear back from a company I had not even applied for, but that which reached out to me. I hope that by their proactive approach, they were not disappointed in what I can contribute in light of their team. More important than what they consider the right fit, I know that God ultimately has a greater plan for everyone in their job placement. I want to be intuned to that. 

Here's a video that I came across this morning by Pastor John Piper. Very sobering:

 John 15:4 says,

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

So, yesterday ... no, wait.

It was 11 years ago, but it feels like it was yesterday.

My mom got into an argument with my 12 year old sister.